IN MY HEAD

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Territorial Pissings

2020, 40x30 cm

I was angry and listening to “Territorial Pissings” by Nirvana. The anger I was feeling took on this form and I felt as though I recognised it.

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You Were Supposed To Be My Friend

2020, 40x30 cm

I had this one friend who meant a lot to me. I remember saying that if I was ever going to invite anyone to my wedding, they would get one of the first invites. Our relationship fell apart and I never clearly understood why. I have my guesses and ideas, but I’m not sure I can fully trust that because they are the results of me spiralling. I reached out for closure and an explanation but did not get what I had expected. I felt abandoned. 

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We All Seem To Have Different Definitions Of Gaslighting

2020, 59.5x42 cm

Everyone's a hypocrite. And everyone moulds definitions of different concepts to their likings when it is convenient for them. 

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Something's Wrong

2020, 30x24 cm

I tend to think that people close to me are upset with me when they aren’t. This could be due to a change in body language or tone or what have you. My perception of these actions are not always to be trusted. I always feel this lurking feeling of something being wrong and it leaves me unsettled. This lurking feeling is what ends up causing a problem when there was never one. 

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Turn Them Off Please

2019, 59.5x42 cm

I hear voices in my head sometimes, especially in moments of high stress. It’s exhausting because they completely cloud my ability to make decisions or rationalise a situation. 

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I’m Not Gonna Let You Win

2020, 46x33 cm

A reminder that being alone is also okay. I don’t need to hang on in bad situations or relationships that aren’t worth it to avoid being alone. Being alone is better than being someone else’s victim. 

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Stuck With You In Fucking Hell

2020, 100x70 cm

The negative extremes of what relationships feel like for me. Arguing with a partner or friend feels like the end of the world. I can literally feel my insides sink and hollow out. A void creeps up inside me. The tension between myself and a person I love feels like hell. We’re both stuck in hell and we’re rotting away together. 

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Recollection Of Childhood

2020, 72x53 cm

Most children that I knew were watching Disney movies and hanging out with kids their age. I was mediating my parent’s separation, put in between money disputes and taking care of my mentally ill family members. I remember lots of screaming, yelling, cops, crying and only now realise the manipulation. 

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Daddy's Little Girl Ain't A Girl No More

2020, 32x24 cm

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Periwinkle

2021, 50x40 cm

One of my biggest regrets that still haunts me to this day is how badly I mistreated someone who meant so much to me. I was very young and completely unaware of how I was acting, and that lack of awareness has caused me to be hyper-aware of things today so I don’t make the same mistakes. I remember all our good times and looking back, I wish I realized how good I had it. This piece is dedicated to her. 

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Half Alive, In A Dream

2020, 70x50 cm

Inspired by a song “spend some time alone inside my head” by my friend Philip Brooks. This piece is a representation of what it feels like when I am not fully in my body and not fully experiencing my life in a given moment. 

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Unintentional Head Start

2020, 60x40 cm

I tend to worry a lot about things that haven’t actually happened. But through worrying so much about it, I end up making it happen. This piece is about the burden I carry being so insecure in the security of my relationship that I unintentionally push it in the direction of ending. 

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I Hoped I Got To You Before She Did

2020, 60x40 cm

TW: “She” personifies suicide, and the “I” represents me and the person I know I am deep inside. Sometimes when things are really bad, I will have passive thoughts about suicide or harming myself in some way. And every time, this inner me that knows I matter and have a place in this world has helped, even if it doesn’t feel like they did. “She” will never get to me. 

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Educate Your Son

2021, 46x33 cm

Gender-based violence is a very real issue that the law system chooses to ignore. Women are often asked why they were alone, why they wore the clothes they wore and why they were in the area they were in. And these are the wrong questions because victim-blaming is incredibly invalidating and mentally damaging in the long run. We should be educating boys from a young age about rape and assault and the part that they may potentially play in it, especially with silence and ignorance. At the time of painting this, according to RAINN, every 73 seconds an American is sexually assaulted.

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This Isn’t Really Working

2020, 100x70 cm

The conflict of loving someone so much, but not being able to separate yourself from a particular moment of anger towards them and turning it into hatred. And after every argument, I tend to spiral thinking it’s my last because we’ve ended. 

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Side Effects

2021, 100x70 cm

This piece started off as one thing and ended up being something completely different. I originally started it when I was angry at my partner to serve as an outlet and avoid some of my toxic tendencies. However, my feelings very quickly blew over and I felt as though I could not remember/relate to what I was feeling literally twenty minutes prior. So this piece turned into a mockery of US over the counter/prescription medicine commercials and how ridiculous the side effects are. This piece also alludes to some addiction issues I have battled in the past, and how those addictions negatively impacted other areas of my life. 

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A Poem I Will Never Recite To You

2021, 70x50 cm

I painted this at a time when I was feeling particularly shattered and my feelings of shame and inadequacy got the better of me. The words are the first stanza of a poem I wrote at the same time. 

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Me and My Friends

2020, 30x20 cm

The title is supposed to serve as dark humour in which I call my visions and loud, pounding thoughts my “friends”. I have a lot of them and they hang out with me all the time, so I thought I’d introduce them. 

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The Winner’s a Loser

2020, 32x24 cm

As a kid, my household held little to no room for validation of one’s emotions and patience. I felt like my feelings didn’t matter and that my existence as a whole was a burden to those around me. Whenever I would cry for too long, or too loud, or repeat myself too many times about something that was really bothering me, my caregiver would just draw a line and stop dealing with it and just kind of leave me by myself. I remember when I would tell my caregiver something was stressing me out, they took my stress and said it stressed them out and made it about them. They would usually say something like “god, stop already. I’ve had enough, go to bed. Why are you screaming?”